Saturday, January 26, 2013

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.


Sometimes the kind of thoughts I have taught my brain to automatically capture and put away someplace where I will not be able to find them ever again come to haunt me at night, when my subconsciousness tries to persuade me it is time to deal with the problems instead of denying their existence.

Last night, for the sixth night in a row, he appeared in my dreams, and the fact it was utterly unexpected made the encounter that much more painful. Like the hole I burnt with a cigarette into my favorite white shirt last week, I am absolutely incapable of filling the empty spot he left in my heart with anything, and the calm, icy, almost uninterested façade I keep at all times to fight off wondering looks 
suddenly melts off of my face.

And then, in these empty, quiet moments of a lonely night, at a time when Christmas is long gone and summer seems so far away, I am human again- fragile little struggling existence, realizing the shakiness of my certainties and the persisting presence of the sand underneath the foundations of the independence I claim to have.

For a strange and inexplicably comforting reason, I come to realize that even if I decided to throw the battered book of my past into the all-consuming flames of oblivion, its bits and pieces would come back to me in my sleep, for the memories I created, the thoughts I once had, the moments I once hoped would never end helped build the person I am today. I might despise her now, I might be trying to change her at the moment, but at the same time, I’m learning to accept her.

For now, all I can do is use the present to create a future I will truly be proud to be a part of. And so I will do this properly: I am about to let my past mark the beginning of a bright and balanced future. For no matter how many new chapters I begin to write, no matter how many books I close, they will always remain on the shelves of the bookcase of my life. And who knows? One day, I might even find myself sitting in the midst of a library. Life is a funny one, and there is nothing in the world I would like more than to lead a happy one; I am certain there will be many downs and disappointments on the way (maybe even tomorrow), but overall, the realization is so liberating and the sensation of it so powerful that I feel I am on the right track.

This is, indeed, a new beginning: newer, more real and more exciting than ever before.

Love always,

Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm learning there's a whole lot more to life than simply surviving it.


Embarking on a new adventure.
There is so much waiting for me out there:
people I am yet to meet,
journeys I am yet to take part in,
unexplored shores waiting to be discovered,
moments I am yet to write about,
moments that will make history.

I know that one day, I will be able to feel (once again) other things than numbness and see (once again) the world in color. I have it in me, and as I was looking through my previous posts, looking for something- something- something!, I found exactly what I needed, and it was in one of the comments...  
Peri called me a survivor once, and yes! I am one, I can do anything and everything, go through storms, navigate through hell, and nothing will bring me down... please remember this, my loves: 
nothing can bring you down unless you let it.

So I'd like to thank you, my darling Peri, thanks to you, today I moved one tiny little step up from the very bottom I found myself on towards the stars of the yet undiscovered future- towards the stars I can see shining oh! so brightly, and even though I still can't reach them, they appear closer and closer as the moments pass.


Your comments mean the world to much love seeps through them. 
Thank you for every single one of your kind words: 
I love you so very much, darlings.

SW: 62 kg (136.69 lbs)
CW: 61.2 kg (134.92 lbs)
UGW: 48 kg (105.82 lbs)
weight lost: 0.8 kg (1.76 lbs)
weight to lose: 13.2 kg (29.10 lbs)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Sometimes all you need to do is draw a line, close the book of your past and try to move on.


So much has changed, darlings.

These past few months have been a swirl of confused feelings, sickening secrets, hidden lies that were crashing against the ice surface of our fragile relationship so hard it was simply impossible for them not to break through the surface, health troubles, depressing brick walls being put up between myself and the ones I thought had once cared, 
all overshadowed by the self-denial I lived in.

What really matters?
Sometimes I miss the uncomplicated days of the past.
Whoever said it gets easier with time was wrong, very wrong.

And here I am, reminiscing about the days when I was winning the battle against my weight, for those were the times when I was the happiest. I need to be that happy girl again as all I have been doing lately was eating my feelings. Therefore I decided to come back: I picked a part of my past life that made me the most content, and it was losing weight.

I closed the old book, my loves, and opened a blank one. 
Started a new chapter of my life today and began to write a story of a brand new me- trusting yet cautious, extending a helping hand yet ready to accept help myself, focused, determined to follow my dreams and successful in accomplishing whatever I set my mind to... 
and on my way to believing in love again.

SW: 62 kg (136.69 lbs)
CW: 62 kg (136.69 lbs)
UGW: 48 kg (105.82 lbs)
weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)
weight to lose: 14 kg (30.86 lbs)


Yours always,

P.S. I'll be okay. Not now, not tomorrow, but... eventually.